So So Precious

Years ago I wondered when I would find love…

It was very long to come…

There were alot of diary posts written, alot of thoughts and hopes and dreams and discussions and lists.

Life took its course…school uni work…

Then God decided it was time and then I met my love…and then we got married and now we have a baby.

Well, being completely off track didn’t mean I would always be off track…my husband likes to tell me that because everything happened so fast I am now an average age to be a mother…and I am more or less at the same stage as my peers who dated and married earlier.

I thank God for that…

It has been exhausting having a little newborn in our lives. Night time feedings are exhausting. Recovering from the birth is exhausting and painful.

Yet…how blessed I am to be here now. It is easy to complain especially when I am so tired. But stepping back and looking at the big picture does bring back perspective. I am so blessed!!

And despite sometimes really wishing my little boy would be more predictable in his feedings…the days are long but the years are short. This tiny little newborn will one day be a toddler…then a child, then a youth, then a young man…and the cycle begins again, God willing.

I am grateful. So grateful for the chance to be his mummy. But so tired…so tired now.

Motherhood

It has been 2 weeks since our little Josh came into our lives. He is…as every parent would say, absolutely perfect, down to his tiny little toes and pouty little mouth.

Warning: Too Much Info post!

And oh I am so exhausted!! The first night was pretty bad, after the epidural wears off you really start to hurt where the baby came out…you are bleeding, tired, and very very hungry because all you had for the past 24 hours was a glucose drip. So nearing breakfast I was nearly crying…ok I cried quietly for a few minutes…because I felt so weak and hungry and in pain. Anyway I couldn’t have eaten anything earlier cos I vomited water after giving birth. Heh.

Felt better after breakfast…but it was terribly uncomfortable for the first two nights. I was glad I was at the hospital because the bed was able to move up and down at a touch of a button. And everything hurt. And I couldn’t pee because the epidural must have frozen up my peeing muscles so I had to have a catheter which is awful to put in…but a relief once your bladder is drained. It wasn’t that bad really once inserted.

The first week after returning from the hospital is really uncomfortable because it hurts when you sit. It lasts about 10 days and painkillers are wonderful. During this 10 days you also get used to waking up every 2-3 hours to feed baby.

The first few days are stressful because there is no milk. Then the milk comes in and you have to deal with engorged breasts. And then baby gets Jaundice. And thankfully the massage lady massages out the breasts.

After 10 days of pain, you can probably sit again. And then enjoy sleeping on your back again. And get used to baby’s changing schedules. And cry because baby is being bottle fed because he doesn’t suck well. And cry because he latches and it hurts. And cry because you are so tired. And cry because you are sensitive and stressed out over everything.

Motherhood is full of tears.

But this little boy, quite a miracle he is. I can imagine him growing up…and wow suddenly we are no longer 2.

A child’s connection with his mother will always be stronger than that with his father. So a mother when she carries a child inside her and gives birth. She gains the world.

I guess 10 days of pain and the years of lost sleep is a pretty small price to pay.

GD

About a month ago, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I wasn’t surprised, as my mum has diabetes and grandma had diabetes and it sort of runs in the family.

Anyway, being brought up in such an environment has put me in decent stead to manage it, so thank God for that.

I read alot of forums and articles on GD and Diabetes these days. Sometimes I am a bit surprised at the misinformation on these forums. Anyway, having been blessed with some background knowledge and having already been monitoring my blood sugars before the diagnosis, I think I can do a rough analysis of my own GD.

Every GD and D is different. So each individual has to check their BG (Blood glucose) and see what triggers higher sugar levels.

Meanwhile, for the most part, anything with sugar or simple carbohydrates is going to spike my sugars. Before 27 weeks (which was when I took the glucose test), I could take sourdough bread and wholemeal bread and still have decent BG results.

I have no idea if drinking the 75g glucose solution triggered GD or if I was just going to have it anyway, but I couldn’t take those after the test. It spiked up my sugars. Right now, I have cut out all breads/white rice/noodles. Even wholemeal bread is out. The only carbohydrates and sugars I eat is red rice (which doesn’t affect my BG much) and fresh whole milk.

I also avoid anything low fat. Low fat usually means high sugar. So low fat milk and low fat yoghurt is actually really terrible for a diabetic. Having cut out carbs, I have to take in a decent amount of healthy fats or I will be constantly hungry. So I take my whole milk, butter, olive oil and fish oils. Going to start eating avocados too as they are high in good fats and very low in sugar and carbohydrates for a fruit.

I also have to cut out fruit as they are all sweet, even apples and oranges! I get my fibre from green vegetables (any green vegetable that grows above the ground is usually low in carbs and high in fibre). Root vegetables such as potatoes are starchy. Carrots are ok so long as I eat a small serving.

I am happy taking animal based fats as they keep my blood sugar down. But it may not be good in the long run so I am going to switch to healthier fats.

Eggs, which used to be very bad because it was said to be high cholesterol, is actually my saviour right now. The cholesterol in eggs is actually good for you and prevents heart disease. I keep a box full of hard boiled eggs in the fridge which I eat for breakfast and for snack time. They are fairly yummy and fill me up.

Anyway, this is the diet I sort of keep to to maintain a decent blood sugar levels. I find that as the pregnancy progresses, my sugars get worse. Anyhow, alot of people say it goes away once baby is born, so I look forward to having some carbs again next time, though not too much, because I have a higher chance of getting diabetes next time because I have GD now.

Breakfast:

Half a cup of milk (not more, it has lactose. But I take it for the calcium), eggs (hard boiled, omelette style , fried, baked), cheese sticks (natural hard cheeses), bacon (moderate intake), avocado.

For breakfast, I cannot take carbs at all other than milk. The body just starved all night and is scared it can’t feed baby, so keeps all the glucose in the blood. That is my theory.

Lunch:

1/3 Meat (Chicken/Fish/Beef/Lamb), 1/3 Vege (Green Vege/Carrots), 1/3 Red Rice. Occasionally I cut out the Red Rice entirely. Soups are good. Mushrooms don’t spike sugars. Thankfully I can take sauces in moderation in small amounts.

Dinner:

Similar to lunch.

I can eat something mildly carby in the afternoon between meals, like half a cup of milk, a piece of potato, a small biscuit, a small piece of chocolate. Just to curb the cravings. You don’t crave things until you can’t have it hehe.

I want to write down a list of free foods for diabetics. But its too much trouble. Someday, hehe. It isn’t so bad, really. There is so much food I can eat. I eat western mostly when I go out. I order just meat and vege for zichar (avoid the meats with alot of sauce). Fried protein/veges are good to go.

I think its worse for people with seafood/peanut/gluten allergies. Lactose intolerence is a pain too…I love cheese.

I just can’t eat bread, white rice, cakes, pastries, biscuits etc. Which is fine. I just miss ice-cream, but I can eat home-made frozen yoghurt, frozen cream etc.

Not that bad. I’m thankful that I am not averse to eating fatty foods as most of my generation were brought up to believe. Fatty foods are lifesavers for diabetics. Not having cakes is fine when you can have a tasty har cheong gai once in a while.

And good fats like olive oil, egg yolk, avocado etc are free, they also keep me satiated and full.

Thank God for silver linings!!

Sometimes

Last night I dreamed that I was back in school and I was also ice skating. And in my mind I wanted to be a top student and a top ice skater.

Then suddenly it occurred to me that I couldn’t do that, I am pregnant!

Dreams don’t make alot of sense sometimes.

I am now about 5.5 months pregnant with a baby boy who likes to kick. He is about 1kg now and I feel the weight, especially when I stand for long periods or walk alot in one day. My knees start to hurt!

Thankfully no backache yet.

Hubs and I have been having fun looking at landed property again. For slightly more (ok about $1M more) than the price of a condominium in D11, we can get a huge 4000 sqft 3 storey terrace home with lift in D20. So we have been looking…its quite fun to view houses actually. Recently we actually found one that could possibly suit our purposes. Which is exciting because before this we haven’t found any. Either they were too big or too small or too inconvenient or something.

So it is nice to know there is one available. It is rather pricey though. And should all funds be diverted to purchase this property? That is the question.

Anyway, we thank God for the privilege of being able to even think of acquiring such a nice big place. I am grateful to have a husband who has been blessed with such finances so that our family is able to enjoy such things. Thank You, God.

In the end, I have always thought, even though I wasn’t the best at my job or outstanding in any way, God has provided for me all these things without me striving for them. I don’t deserve it at all, and certainly never earned it. Funny how I have always strived for things before and then God says no need just trust in Me. And then He provides me more than I could ever provide for myself.

In the same vein, even if we lost everything I know now that God always provides, exactly enough, often more, than what we ever need. Saw that during my first year out on my own…how He provided abundantly and how He dried up the stream and gave me the olive oil that never ran dry. We never need to worry about our needs with God. He has more to give us than we ever need. His plans for us are always better than our own.

So top student? Best ice skater?

No need. I am going to be a mummy. Which is probably way better than those dream aspirations.

Thank You, God.

2018

I have just realized one thing:

In the year 2018, God willing, I would have become a wife and a mother…all in the space of one year. Last year, I became a girlfriend and a fiance.

What an amazing thing!

2 years ago this time God induced me to leave LAUD. Then all kinds of things happened and in December 2016 Leon came into my life. 6 months of dating, 6 months of engagement and boom we are married. On 6th May 2018, we will have been married exactly 4 months.

I am 4.5 months pregnant, which doesn’t mean we had baby before marriage, it’s just due to the quirk where they start counting baby’s due date from the last menstrual date, usually 2 weeks before baby’s conception!

It’s quite a blessing we didn’t have to go through all the mess of IVF and worries of miscarriages. Yet. We are going for baby’s detailed scan on Tuesday and I pray baby will be healthy and strong!

I watched a documentary of a 28 year old mother who wanted to check out women in different stages of life who were pregnant. The first one was a 15 year old teenage mum. The second, a 22 year old seventh day adventist married young mother. The third, a 27 year old mother who wanted to have a water birth. 27 is the average age for women to have babies in this day and age. Then a 30 year old mother. Then a 36 year old career woman. Then a 40 year old mother…finally a 46 year old.

I am a 30 year old mum. The 30 year old mum in the documentary had planned out her whole pregnancy. She started training her dog to get used to a baby (doll). She wanted to deck her baby in designer gear and did not want to give up her lifestyle for the sake of baby.

The 15 year old mum was blissfully ignorant of the immensity of having a baby at that age. The 22 and 27 year old were probably the best mummies, they hadn’t quite enjoyed much luxuries in life, being fairly early in their careers.

The 30 year old went for spa massages and designer handbags and had experienced all the nice things. She didn’t want to give it up for baby and baby wouldn’t change her lifestyle as much as possible.

The career mum was the worst. She said she would have baby and head back to work a week later.

The 40 year old had a baby naturally, but the baby was born premature as the mother’s placenta wasn’t as healthy.

The 46 year old had gone through ivf. It was a long and painful process with many miscarriages and setbacks.

Well, I don’t think I am like the 30 year old designer mum. But I am grateful that God led Leon and I together to start a family when I am 30. And blessed us with a baby so early on! It is definitely a prayer come true for both Leon and myself.

Thank You God :)

Roller Coaster

This morning was reading about the doodles a Disney animator with two young children whose Mother passed away recently due to a sudden bout of sepsis.

Then I cried and cried because I thought that it would be awful if I lost my husband. I love him soooo much!

Then yesterday I watched a YouTube LesMis parody on YouTube where a single woman sung about how she felt attending her friend’s baby shower. She felt that everyone had such perfect lives with nice homes, husbands and children and she had cats and…no tv! Then the truth fairy appeared and revealed the neuroses and secrets of all the other women who had lives as messed up as hers, just different.

Then I thought…Yaya so true, truth is everyone is fighting their own battles.

Then I thought: What battles am I facing?

Then I thought: Actually I am just very happy now. My past was full of battles and my future will probably be too….but today, just today, I am a very happy and contented woman. I have a wonderful Husband, a baby on the way who seems very healthy and strong, a nice home and everything in life I could ask for and more.

Yeah. So I am very happy. It’s good to be happy once in a while, so I will wallow in it and enjoy. My cup runneth over. Thank You God.

Weakness

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

I see God’s hand more in my weakness than in my strengths. I am very surprised that He doesn’t seem to care very much that I am imperfect. In fact all the goodness in my life seems to arise from my perceived inadequacies.

In God’s eyes they are strengths because knowing these weaknesses it is hard for me to have pride. It’s hard to know when I know all my failures, so I should be happy to know that failures aren’t just stepping stones to success, they are keys to humility.

A Lifetime Away

Leon and I were talking about what would have happened if we hadn’t met…

L: Well, you would be ice-skating likely, and growing your business…and meeting friends…

Me: Yeah probably…I probably wouldn’t be pregnant…haha

L: Haha yeah.

Me: If you hadn’t met me you’d probably have met someone else…you probably wanted to settle down and start a family soon!

L: I guess so…but I think I’m glad it was you I met!

Well, I am awfully glad I met him! He is really just my type…I think I really enjoy being with him, he is so nice to be with and talk to and to just do daily things with.

My past life does feel like a lifetime away! My friend who just gave birth said that she felt like her trekking, adventuring and mountain climbing days felt like another life altogether…

I feel like my ice skating days were a life time away.

But then I am also glad to be here now, starting a family, learning new things, having a constant and daily companion with me…having a baby in 5 months time…

Our adventures will start to be around baby…

Well! It is time! I have been single for such a nice, long time. I have enjoyed it so much and maxed out all the things I could have done as a young, single woman.

Also I have achieved the apex of my career (my idea of apex anyway)…I have done a church…which I got married in, how nice.

God is good 😁

I Really Do

Leon is away on a business trip to France. I realize how much I enjoy his company especially when he is away and comes back again.

I was catching up with a single friend recently and she asked me what part of my single life I missed the most. I told her that nowadays I couldn’t do anything I wanted the moment I wanted to do it, like back in my single days because now I discussed it with Leon.

Freedom, I guess, is one lovely part of singlehood. Then she asked me what the best part of married life was…well it was the companionship! It is so nice to have someone by your side always.

Married life and single life both have their good points. When single, enjoy singlehood to its fullest. When married, well, enjoy the rest of your life to the fullest too!

I am actually glad for my 29 years of singlehood. I must say nearing 29 I was thinking that I had truly enjoyed my singlehood to the very max, and if I gave it up for marriage I think there is nothing left to regret.

Getting married and being with the man I love soooooo much is really wonderful too. I do love my husband with all my heart. He is wonderful to me, I miss him so much when he is away and everytime I am with him it is just a joy.

Thank You God for blessing me with such a nice husband!

Vocations

Today I was watching a video on Scientists exploring the deep seas. The things they saw was amazing!

Then I thought, wow if I were a kid, I’d want to be a scientist after seeing that!

Then I thought, how sad it was that once you grew up, you couldn’t be anything you wanted anymore! For example, could I go back to school to be a scientist? Well technically I could, but life is catching up…I am married now and there are responsibilities, and I am pregnant now too (horrible first trimester!!). I am very blessed to have a Husband who lets me be a stay at home housewife and later stay at home Mother. However there is still so much in life to learn and discover…and maybe it’s just rather boring right now at home feeling nauseous and tired.

I don’t feel any particular urge to return to architecture, not at this stage.

Maybe in the future. I need to find something to do though…for some reason the ups and downs during my first trimester is making me rather wonky and I can’t seem to plan anything.

Anyhoo, I think I need something to do. I really do.